Derek and I saw Alexandra the other day, I can’t remember the last time I got such a perfect ratio of bad movie-to-movie length. This movie was three freaking hours of total crap. The actors? I was embarrassed for them.
Here’s where I should warn you of spoilers to come, but I can’t imagine anything I could possibly say about this movie that would spoil it anymore than Oliver Stone did.
First of all, this is the story of Alexander the Great, a dude who conquered the known world!!! How’d he do it? What was his war strategy? What drove him? Oliver Stone doesn’t think that’s important enough stuff to explore in this movie. No, instead, Stone’s going to fill up his movie with all that love-between-men stuff that was left out of Troy.
Men, I have a question for you: When you’re having a conversation about world domination with your best pal, do you often do it with your quivering lips nearly touching his? Not so much? Didn’t think so. But, apparently, it was what Alexander did with most of his time.
Also, instead of showing us what happened, we get a decrepit-looking Anthony Hopkins as Ptolemy, the first Egyptian pharaoh, telling most of the tale from what looks to me like the prospective of an unrequited gay lover. Silly Ptolemy, he’s so petty.
For instance: Alexander’s father, King Philip of Macedon, played by Val Kilmer (who I thought at any moment was going to start singing some Doors’s tunes), gets all drunk and pissed off, so he disowns and exiles Alexander. Next scene, Anthony Hopkins tells us that Philip is dead and Alexander is King and all this other cool stuff happens. Huh? Five scenes later, for no good reason, we flash back to the day after the disowning and we see that they made up. Huh? Next thing you know, Alexander is fighting some dudes on Elephants and getting his ass kicked.
Besides the major getting-his-ass-kicked scene (where all his boyfriends get their asses kicked as well), we do get to see major battle at Gaugamela, where Alexander has his first big victory. According to this movie, Alexander didn’t have all that much of a strategy. Hell, he didn’t even have anything all that motivational to say to his soldiers beforehand. He was no Braveheart, that’s for sure.
People, consider yourself warned. Don’t rent it.
P.S All right, sorry for being rude, I actually liked Angelina Jolie’s accent.
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